|
Field Guide to Neo Paganism
Bright-Eyed Novice
You just read this cool book about a religion where there’s a Goddess and a God,
and they meet outside in nature, instead of some scary old building. They think sex is
good not evil, and you want to know where to sign up.
Distinguishing Signs: Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment about
which is deosil and which is widdershins. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with
“A-frame”.)
Grand Old Wo/Man
Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will tell you about the time they dropped
acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley - or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was
somebody with three names. Or was it three people with one name?
Distinguishing Signs: Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows dish
about people you’ve only read about.
Tree Hugging Nature Sprite
Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry’s old tree spikes. Simultaneously
believes in universal love for humanity and returning the planet to a pristine,
uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle the shrubbery at a moment’s
notice. Can discuss compost in great detail.
Distinguishing Signs: No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic, no smoke,
no drugs, no eco-exploitive products, no animal tested cosmetics, no TV, no car, but very
tolerant.
Anal Retentive Ceremonial
Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is studying Greek, Latin and
Hebrew all at once. Does “workings” instead of “rituals”. All twenty
volumes of their magical diaries are all in Enochian.
Distinguishing Signs: Won’t go anywhere without a book. Is constantly aware
of which direction is east. Dresses according to planetary conditions, or whatever was on
sale at Wal-Mart.
Womyncentric Gynocrat
A man’s shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks purifying it.
She’ll have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her full-moon
club. Can hold forth for hours on the magical properties of menstrual blood.
Distinguishing Signs: Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for amputating a
penis, are a favored symbol and often hang conveniently from her body parts. When a man
approaches she rolls her eyes and stops talking.
Sexy Pagan Nymph
Oh, they’re so nice! All that warm, round, sex-positive flesh—and you can
actually carry on a conversation with them between orgasms... pant, drool...
Distinguishing Signs: Cute. Horny. Displays prominent cleavage. Will recite love
poetry to you under a full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often destitute. All too few of
them.
Corporate Closet Witch
“Hey, boss—I’d like to take February 2nd as a personal
day...” Has an entire chapter of their Book Of Shadows concerned with spells for
purifying the workplace. Doesn’t mind working on Christmas, especially if
there’s overtime involved. Quit being overtly Pagan at work since being canned by
that born-again boss, but still refuses to say “Merry Christmas.”
Distinguishing Signs: Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a
hat. Constantly glances around the room anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies.
Non-distinctive style of dress, no conspicuous tattoos.
Childe Ov Kaos
Can name seventeen industrial goth bands without pausing to think. Knows what a Prince
Albert is. Personally feels that if no panicky headlines appear the day after you do
a ritual, you screwed up. Painted on their jacket, engraved in their flesh and/or
boldly displayed as jewelry is an emblem which resembles a combination of corporate logo
and arcane symbol. If you don’t know what it means, they’ll think you’re a
dweeb.
Distinguishing Signs: Easy to picture as an alternative musician or bike
messenger, difficult to visualize as a school teacher or research assistant, impossible to
imagine as a TV news anchor or bank officer. Always wears black leather, even when
sleeping.
Pagan Celebrity
At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a special key for elevator
access. Lurks around knots of conversation eavesdropping in order to see if their name is
being mentioned. Arrives in helicopter especially for rituals. Starts every sentence with
“I”. If you ask them how it’s going, they hand you a press release.
Distinguishing Signs: Always has plenty of books to autograph and will
personally sell them to you at a slight discount from cover price. Never seen
unaccompanied by beefy Amazonian bodyguards and doe-eyed hangers-on. Seems vaguely afraid
of anyone they don’t already know.
Scary Devil Worshipper
Would never be caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except in a snide, knowing way which
insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy of conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh
and read The Bell Curve with smug satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. Probably has never
hurt a fly, but they want you to think they’re capable of vast destruction.
Distinguishing Signs: Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women favor heavy
black eyeliner. At least one inverted pentagram somewhere on their person. If you
see several of them getting tanked in a bar, it would be wise to stay far away.
Crowley-In-A-Past-Life
Every magical gathering has at least one of these, along with several variants along
the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan LeFey, or somebody who was Atlantean royalty.
Many of them were abducted by aliens recently, and have disturbing dreams rich with arcane
symbolism that they will tell you all about, in great detail.
Distinguishing Signs: Look for the intense gleam in the eyes, the backpack
rattling with various psychiatric medications, and the garments that were clearly designed
and tailored on another planet.
Ravin’ Pagan
Young and psychedelic. Can dance non-stop all night. Refuses to do boring Eurocentric
rituals and prefers deities from sunny climes with lots of interesting local plants. Can
say “Ayahuasca” ten times real fast and deliver long quotes from Terrence
McKenna.
Distinguishing Signs: Dresses in color combinations that hurt the eyes unless
you’ve taken ecstasy. Bloodshot eyes, blissful smile, never goes anywhere without
ritual drum.
Fairie Queen
Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple, or are those two a couple or are all four
of them a quadruple? If getting answers to these questions could disturb you, best stay
away. If, on the other hand, these kind of questions seem overly judgmental, you might
have a real good time...
Distinguishing Signs: When you look at this person, does every sex act
you’ve ever experienced in your life seem hopelessly vanilla? If so, congratulations
-- you’ve found a Fairie!
High Episcopagan
Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage manager, an orchestra with
chorus and last at least three hours? It’s a High Episcopagan! They can memorize
pages and pages of Olde Englishe, have more ritual garbs than most people have socks, and
consider their main pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby
Berkeley.
Distinguishing Signs: Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes. Knows every note of
“Carmina Burana” Don’t ask them about that 18th century seed
pearl trim on their ritual hat unless you’ve got an hour to spare.
Fundamentapagan
If it’s in a book, it must be true. If it’s in an old book, it must really be
true. If it’s in an old book that was handed down from an oral tradition of people
who couldn’t read, then it must really be way true. Gnashes their teeth if anyone
shows up at a circle wearing a watch, glasses, or other mechanical assistance. Believes
that anyone who lives in a city, eats meat or has a regular job dare not call themselves a
pagan.
Distinguishing Signs: Has hissy fits when somebody brings up the old
“Crowley ghosted Gardner’s books” argument. Goes around correcting
everyone’s Gaelic, Old Norse, Latin, and Babylonian.
Dances With Bunny Rabbits
Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and feelings. Charter member of
PETA. Thinks meat eaters should be publicly executed. Has many, many, many pets. Has a
spirit animal. Personally owns 927 models, pictures, and other depictions of their spirit
animal.
Distinguishing Signs: Not counting the Pagan his/herself, how many animals can
you see when looking at them? If the count surpasses five (including critters found on
tattoos, jewelry, garments and undies), you’ve found a worshipper of beasties.
Priest/ess of Political Correctness
Analyzes everything they read or hear for sexist-racist-homophobic-
imperialist-Eurocentric content without paying attention to what is actually being said.
Believes in personal liberty—everyone has the right to be overbearing, dogmatic and
holier-than-thou, not just the Xtian Right. Incredibly boring yet annoyingly
self-righteous all at the same time.
Distinguishing Signs: Beady hyper-alert little eyes are constantly in motion,
waiting for someone to do or say something bad. Has loud and attention-attracting hissy
fits when confronted with everyday things such as advertising or corporate franchises.
Rudimentary sense of humor is rarely activated.
Our Lady Of Intense Suffering
Is constantly persecuted. You’re probably persecuting her right now, you just
don’t realize it. Became a Pagan because she decided it was that most persecuted
religion of all. Can’t enjoy anything because it would be selfish to have any fun
when so many are suffering.
Distinguishing Signs: Tales of woe. Even less of a sense of humor than #17.
Bristles when anyone says the words “masochist,” or “whining”.
I Am Not Spock (at the moment)
Knows at least three filks about Cthulhu and at least forty Star Trek jokes. Has found
a clever way to create simple furniture from stacks of science fiction paperbacks. Can
name ninety different kinds of spaceship.
Distinguishing Signs: Two fisted drinking style. Probably still lives with
parents. Many cryptic buttons, badges, patches and other insignia. Too smart for their own
good.
Het-Case
Insist that they aren’t homophobic; they just believe that Paganism is about a
Goddess and a God and they do it and what could be more obvious than that? It just
doesn’t “work right” if you try any other way! Are secretly afraid that
gays and/or lesbians are dying to jump their tender hetro bones.
Distinguishing Signs: Living spaces abound with depiction’s of satyrs with
enormous genitals and huge-breasted, doe-eyed goddesses. Long manicured nails and wreaths
of flowers (on females only — men have big, bushy beards instead.)
Norse Code
Heroic and Vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with festival organizers and
park rangers due to their fondness for running around with a huge battleaxe in one hand
and a full mead horn in the other. They throw the best parties, but if you’re a wimp,
you’re expressly not invited.
Distinguishing Signs: Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like persons wearing
runes, with many pounds of amber dangling from their necks.
Pentacles, Inc.
Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they aren’t buying my hand
forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces—they come in silver and gold, and each one has a
genuine cubic zirconium belly button. Would you like a reading? Will that be Visa or
MasterCard?
Distinguishing Signs: Has business cards featuring little embossed pentagrams.
You never seen so much Egyptian god/dess jewelry on a human being in your whole life.
Dragon Fetish
Oooooooh!!!! It’s a DWAGON! How much is it? I’ll find a place for
it on my bookshelf, bumper, altar, etc. Don’t you worry! Do you have it
in more colors?
Distinguishing Signs: Loves dragon anything. Will wax rhapsodic on dragons for
hours (and hours and hours)... Most have real cheesy grins, which become very obvious when
dragon anything is mentioned in their presence. Nice and weird but very friendly. |
MY WITCH SHOP
