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Signs That You May Be a Yuppie Pagan
- Your BMW stands out among the Toyotas and VWs at the Grand Coven.
- You have a three-piece ritual robe.
- Your ritual preparation includes stopping at the dry cleaner.
- The Priestess sends the ritual wine back to the cellar.
- You have considered calling the quarters by telephone.
- You purchase astrological charts for companies listed on the NASDAQ.
- You use an alphanumeric pager in circle to represent Air.
- You want to use the Weber Gas Grill as the ritual bonfire.
- You actually buy an Eostara bonnet each year.
- You ask your bank for a VISA Gold Card with Stonehenge depicted on its face.
- You try to break a $100 bill in the donation pot at a public circle.
- The ritual wine is more European than your tradition.
- Your ritual robe has no cord because you've gone cellular.
- Ritual is postponed due to a bad hairpiece day.
- You worry that you don't have a robe that goes well with bare feet.
- Jet-lag is a common excuse for being late to coven.
- Perrier is the only water you will tolerate in the West.
- You initiate your lawyer, insurance agent, and cardiologist just to be on the safe side.
- Ritual was canceled because the CD player is in the shop.
- You never do a healing ritual for your car.
- You have a cute little alligator sewn on the breast pocket of your ritual robe.
- Perfect love and perfect trust in your coven oath are annotated with footnotes and
conditions.
- You have a notarized pre-handfasting agreement.
- Your first degree initiation had valet parking.
- Spilled wax really matters to you.
- You have a Ginsu athame.
- Cakes and wine for a dozen sets you back $139.
- Your coven is known in the community as "The Rich Corinthians."
- You view drawing-down as being the Account Executive to the Gods.
- You worry that it would be inappropriate to do Yule at your summer house.
- Not everyone gets to use the "good" chalice.
- Your ritual bath is a Jacuzzi.
- You don't do astral projection, frequent flyer miles are so much easier.
- The gardener spends more time in your outdoor temple than you do.
- Your familiar is leased.
- You stop at the 7-11 to pick up a half cord of firewood for the bonfire.
- You are offended by the "We are the old people..." chant ever since the
facelift.
- You shopped for a ritual staff and came back with two MBAs and an administrative
assistant.
- Five-fold kiss or not, the thought of lips on your Guccis turns you on.
- You would invite the coven to your new house but, well, they're just so messy.
- You have not read The Spiral Dance and are waiting for it to be made into a movie.
- You had a pocket added to your ritual robe for your cellular phone.
- You would go to Pagan festivals if they would just hold them at a nice resort.
- Invoking the spirit of fire is expressly forbidden by your townhouse covenants.
- You wouldn't use a script in ritual, that's what the laptop computer on the altar is
for.
- If "In the cool of the evening, we used to gather..." makes you think of
getting in a late 18 holes.
- Your ritual tools are itemized on your homeowners insurance.
- Your car payment is more than your priestess' monthly take home pay.
- You wear paste replicas of your ritual jewelry to rituals.
- After casting the circle you feel compelled to click that alarm thing on your keychain.
- You have a tattoo designed by Nybor and paid for the rights to the design.
- You have both the Jerry Garcia and Tim Leary hand painted collector's edition plates on
your altar.
- The square footage of your ritual circle is a status thing.
- Great carpeting is next to godliness.
- It just doesn't seem right to call upon the spirits of water without a twist of lime.
- Your covenstead has gone condo.
- You seldom are asked to call North since everyone knows you just don't do dirt.
- You have to hurry the Yule ritual along, the plane for Aspen leaves in an hour.
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MY WITCH SHOP
