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Which Witch Is Which?
Is this the first time you've seen this many pagans together? Well, you're in for a
deflowering, young earth-worshipper, and you've come to the right place. However, you
should realize that there are many, many types of pagans. We old farts just had to keep
making the rounds until we either found a group that wouldn't kick us out or founded our
own clique. But now, progress has brought us many different flavors to choose from.
1. Bright-Eyed Novice
You just read this cool book about a religion where there's a Goddess and a God, and
they meet outside in nature, instead of some, like scary old building. They think sex is
GOOD not evil, and you want to know where to sign up.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment about which
is deosil and which is widdershins. Has a shiny new = athame (rhymes with
"A-frame".)
2. Grand Old Wo/Man
Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will tell you about the time they dropped
acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley - or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was
somebody with three names. Or was it three people with one name?
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows dish about
people you've only read about.
3. Tree Hugging Nature Sprite
Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes. Simultaneously believes in
universal love for humanity AND returning the planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt
to remove clothes and fondle the shrubbery at a moment's notice. Can discuss compost in
great detail.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic, no smoke, no
drugs, no eco-exploitive products, no animal tested cosmetics, no TV, no car, but very
tolerant.
4. Anal Retentive Ceremonial
Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is studying Greek, Latin and
Hebrew all at once. Does "workings" instead of "rituals". All twenty
volumes of their magical diaries are all in Enochian.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Won't go anywhere without a book. Is constantly aware of which
direction is east. Dresses according to planetary conditions, or whatever was on sale at
Wal-Mart.
5. Womyncentric Gynocrat
A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks purifying it. She'll
have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her full-moon club. Can hold
forth for hours on the magical properties of menstrual blood.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for amputating a penis,
are a favored symbol and often hang conveniently from her body parts. When a man
approaches she rolls her eyes and stops talking.
6. Sexy Pagan Nymph
Oh, they're so nice! All that warm, round, sex-positive flesh -- and you can actually
carry on a conversation with them between orgasms... pant, drool...
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Cute. Horny. Displays prominent cleavage. Will recite love poetry
to you under a full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often destitute. All too few of them.
7. Corporate Closet Witch
"Hey, boss -- I'd like to take February 2nd as a personal day..." Has an
entire chapter of their Book Of Shadows concerned with spells for purifying the workplace.
Doesn't mind working on Christmas, especially if there's overtime involved. Quit being
overtly Pagan at work since being canned by that born-again boss, but still refuses to say
"Merry Christmas."
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat.
Constantly glances around the room anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies.
Non-distinctive style of dress, no conspicuous tattoos.
8. Childe Of Kaos
Can name seventeen industrial goth bands without pausing to think. Knows what a Prince
Albert is. Personally feels that if no panicky = headlines appear the day after you do a
ritual, you screwed up. Painted on their jacket, engraved in their flesh and/or boldly
displayed as jewelry is an emblem which resembles a combination of corporate logo and
arcane symbol. If you don't know what it means, they'll think you're a dweeb.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Easy to picture as an alternative musician or bike messenger,
difficult to visualize as a school teacher or research assistant, impossible to imagine as
a TV news anchor or bank officer. Always wears black leather, even when sleeping.
9. Pagan Celebrity
At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a special key for elevator
access. Lurks around knots of conversation eavesdropping in order to see if their name is
being mentioned. Arrives in helicopter especially for rituals. Starts every sentence with
"I". If you ask them how it's going, they hand you a press release.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Always has plenty of books to autograph and will personally sell
them to you at a slight discount from cover price. Never seen unaccompanied by beefy
amazonian bodyguards and doe-eyed hangers-on. Seems vaguely afraid of anyone they don't
already know.
10. Scary Devil Worshipper
Would never been caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except in a snide, knowing way
which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy of conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush
Limbaugh and read The Bell Curve with smug satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. Probably
has never hurt a fly, but they want you to think they're capable of vast destruction.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women favor heavy black
eyeliner. At least one inverted pentagram somewhere on their person. If you see several of
them getting tanked in a bar, it would be wise to stay far away.
11. Crowley-In-A-Past-Life
Every magical gathering has at least one of these, along with several variants along
the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan LeFey, or somebody who was Atlantean royalty.
Many of them were abducted by aliens recently, and have disturbing dreams rich with arcane
symbolism that they will tell you all about, in great detail.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Look for the intense gleam in the eyes, the backpack rattling
with various psychiatric medications, and the garments that were clearly designed and
tailored on another planet.
12. Ravin' Pagan
Young and psychedelic. Can dance non-stop all night. Refuses to do boring Eurocentric
rituals and prefers deities from sunny climes with lots of interesting local plants. Can
say "Ayahuasca" ten times real fast and deliver long quotes from Terrence
McKenna.
"Let us declare nature to be legitimate. All
plants should be declared legal, and all animals for that matter.
The notion of illegal plants and animals is
obnoxious and ridiculous." ~Terence McKenna
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Dresses in color combinations that hurt the eyes unless you've
taken ecstasy. Bloodshot eyes, blissful smile, never goes anywhere without ritual drum.
13. Fairie Queen
Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple, or are those two a couple or are all four
of them a quadruple? If getting answers to these questions could disturb you, best stay
away. If, on the other hand, these kind of questions seem overly judgmental, you might
have a real good time...
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: When you look at this person, does every sex act you've ever
experienced in your life seem hopelessly vanilla? If so, congratulations -- you've found a
Fairie!
14. High Episcopagan
Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage manager, an orchestra with
chorus and last at least three hours? It's a High Episcopagan! They can memorize pages and
pages of Olde Englishe, have more ritual garbs than most people have socks, and consider
their main pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes. Knows every note of
"Carmina Burana". Don't ask them about that 18th century seed pearl trim on
their ritual hat unless you've got an hour to spare.
15. Fundamentapagan
If it's in a book, it must be true. If it's in an old book, it must really be true. If
it's in an old book that was handed down from an oral tradition of people who couldn't
read, then it must really be way true. Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at a circle
wearing a watch, glasses, or other mechanical assistance. Believes that anyone who lives
in a city, eats meat or has a regular job dare not call themselves a pagan.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Has hissy fits when somebody brings up the old "Crowley
ghosted Gardner's books" argument. Goes around correcting everyone's gaelic/old
norse/latin/babylonian.
16. Dances With Bunnyrabbits.
Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and feelings. Charter member of
PETA. Thinks meat eaters should be publicly executed. Has many, many, many pets. Has a
spirit animal. Personally owns 927 models, pictures, and other depictions of their spirit
animal.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Not counting the pagan his/herself, how many animals can you see
when looking at them? If the count surpasses five (including critters found on tattoos,
jewelry, garments and undies), you've found a worshipper of beasties.
17. Priest/ess of Political Correctness
Analyzes everything they read or hear for
sexist-racist-homophobic-imperialist-Eurocentric content without paying attention to what
is actually being said. Believes in personal liberty - -- everyone has the right to be
overbearing, dogmatic and holier-than-thou, not just the Xtian Right. Incredibly boring
yet annoyingly self-righteous all at the same time.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Beady hyper-alert little eyes are constantly in motion, waiting
for someone to do or say something bad. Has loud and attention attracting hissy fits when
confronted with everyday things such as advertising or corporate franchises. Rudimentary
sense of humor is rarely activated.
18. Our Lady Of Intense Suffering
Is constantly persecuted. You're probably persecuting her right now, you just don't
realize it. Became a Pagan because she decided it was that most persecuted religion of
all. Can't enjoy anything because it would be selfish to have any fun when so many are
suffering.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tales of woe. Even less of a sense of humor than #17. Bristles
when anyone says the words "masochist" or "whining".
19. I Am Not Spock (at the moment)
Knows at least three filks about Cthulhu and at least forty Star Trek jokes. Has found
a clever way to create simple furniture from stacks of science fiction paperbacks. Can
name ninety different kinds of space ship.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Two fisted drinking style. Probably still lives with parents.
Many cryptic buttons, badges, patches and other insignia. Too smart for their own good.
20. Het-Case
Insist that they aren't homophobic; they just believe that Paganism is about a goddess
and a god and they do it and what could be more obvious than that? It just doesn't
"work right" if you try any other way! Are secretly afraid that gays and/or
lesbians are dying to jump their tender hetro bones.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Living spaces abound with depictions of satyrs with enormous
genitals and huge-breasted, doe-eyed goddesses. Long manicured nails and wreaths of
flowers (on females only -- men have big, bushy beards instead.)
21. Norse Code
Heroic and vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with festival organizers and
park rangers due to their fondness for running around with a huge battle-ax in one hand
and a full mead horn in the other. They throw the best parties, but if you're a wimp,
you're expressly not invited.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like persons wearing runes,
with many pounds of amber dangling from their necks.
22. Pentacles, Inc.
Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they aren't buying my hand forged
Venus of Willendorf necklaces -- they come in silver and gold, and each one has a genuine
cubic zirconium belly button. Would you like a reading? Will that be Visa or MasterCard?
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Has business cards featuring little embossed pentagrams. You've
never seen so much Egyptian god/dess jewelry on a human being in your whole life. Rarely
leaves the dealer's room and can't believe there are so many jewelry sellers present.
23. MONSTER TRUCK PAGAN
Can grow their own food, build their own house, sew their own clothes, homeschool their
children and brew their own organic hooch. Are looking forward to the bleak,
post-apocalyptic world postulated by the environmentalists as they can't wait to run amok
through the country, worshipping ancient gods, blowing up strip malls and rutting on the
divider line of every interstate.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Resourceful, clever and very well versed in the U. S.
Constitution. Eats meat with visible twitches of pleasure. Is aware that primitive
religions have nothing to do with crystals, Atlantis or unicorns.
... You may be a monster-truck pagan if your anointing oil is 30 weight.
... You may be a monster truck pagan if cakes & wine means tailgate party.
... You may be a monster truck pagan if Autumn is the
Burning Time.
24. BUBBA WITCH
Can typically be found wandering the country roads, bare foot and in jean suspenders.
When they pass a person in their town it is always their cousin. Their idea of a circle
chant is hooting and hollering at barn yard hodowns! If they ain't makin' a rukus in town,
their off chasin' 'coons through the woods, making more noise than their 13 hunting
hounds! "Yeah, maybe ah shuld 'ave 12 dawgs 'n me ta make a propa cercle, but ah unly
gots 10 fingas! How ya 'spect me ta count ta 13? ... gonna let me borra' youz
fingas?" *draws his trusty dagger, he and ol' yeller circling for the kill*
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Straw protruding from clothes and hair like additional
appendages. We won't even ask what they were doing in the hayloft to get all messy like
that! Their pickup truck gas caps are replaced with a nifty black cloth with a white
pentacle on it, or is that a white hood with a black pentacle? In any case, they are never
without baccy-blackened gums (the teeth fell out long ago) and always have at least one
spit cup on their person.
...You might be a Bubba Witch if you use rebel flags as altar cloths...
...You might be a Bubba Witch if you dismiss the elements by saying "Y'all come
back now, ya hear!"...
...You might be a Bubba Witch if you use broken washing machines as altars...
25. NINJA WITCH
These night-clad Pagans are amusing from a distance only. They sneak through the
shadows of streets pretending they can't be seen by everyone and trying to ignore the car
lights and strange looks everyone gives them. The looks are merely coincidental of course
"I'm the mighty invisible ninja, noone can see me!" They ain't too funny when
you do actively point them out, they're Hilarious! they usually react by making all kinds
of funny squeeky sounds and trying to stick their foot in their mouth, or is it supposed
to be your mouth?
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Always in a baggy ninja jump suit and carrying one of those
dangerous plastic Katanas the kids buy at K-Mart for Halloween. Pentagram throwing stars
and an adorable lil' red pentacle on their hood. Supposed to make 'em seem dangerous!
ooohhh... scary. |
MY WITCH SHOP
