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Signs You're In The Wrong Religion

1. Prayer books contain nothing but show tunes.
2. In church, they pass a "specimen plate."
3. Their main prophet is scamming on your girlfriend.
4. You must kneel and pray five times a day facing Redmond, Washington.
5. The *only* food that you're allowed to eat is pork.
6. "The first reading is from the Book of Newt..."
7. Your position in the afterlife depends on how many cleaning products you sell here on earth.
8. Larry King's birthday is the High Holy Day for the year.
9. Your new messiah claims to have fed the multitudes with a bucket of chicken, some fries, and a Big Gulp.
10. Even though they taste heavenly, you're pretty sure Malomars are not a sacrament.
11. All the commandments begin, "You might be a sinner if..."
12. "Sinner of the Week" eligible for valuable prizes.
13. Constant fear that the elders will discover the laptop you've got squirreled away in the buggy shed.
14. Frequency of circumcision increased from once in a lifetime to once a year.
15. Communion performed with tortilla chips and a shot of Cuervo.
16. A goat is involved in worship in any way.