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Pagan One-Liners
Did you hear about the psychic in the car wreck?
She had an auto-body experience.
What do you say to an angry Witch?
Ribbit
What happens when a ceremonial magician gets mad?
He goes quaballistic.
Why did the blonde Pagan have a lasso?
She wanted to draw down the moon.
How do you know when a blonde Pagan has closed the circle?
There's white-out on the floor.
What do you call thirteen Witches in a hot tub?
A self-cleaning coven.
What's the best thing about having Pagan friends?
They worship the ground you walk on.
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.
What is a witch's favorite snack?
Pan pizza.
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Universalist-Unitarian?
Someone who knocks on your door for no particular reason.
Heck is a place for people who don't believe in gosh.
Jesus saves! Gretsky gets the rebound... he shoots... he scores!
Jesus saves! By using double coupons and shopping wisely.
In case of rapture, can I have your car?
My karma ran over your dogma.
My goddess gave birth to your god.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I have the body of a god: Buddha.
The goddess is alive and she ate my homework.
Very Bad Attitude:"If I want your opinion, I'll read it in your entrails."
Jesus Saves!
The Goddess Invests!
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa!
He is YOUR god.
They are YOUR rules.
YOU burn in Hell!
What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid?
Someone who worships the tree that is not there.
What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid mathematician?
Someone who worships the square roots of the tree that is not there.
What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid veternarian?
Someone who worships the bark of the tree that is not there.
Get a taste for religion: Lick a Witch!
"Please hold. All muses are busy right now, but your inspiration is important to
us."
What kind of furniture does a Goddess worshipper prefer?
Wicker
Why did the Wiccan novitiate give up pork?
She thought the Rede said, "Chew what you will, but ham? None."
What's the difference between New Age and Pagan?
About $500.00 a weekend.
Saint: A dead liberal who is worshipped by living conservatives.
Dyslexics of the world Untie!
When God Created Men She must have been Drunk and Horny!
Sign in a Wiccan Bookstore: "No Shoplifting! Offenders will be Possessed!
Second-time Offenders will be Re-Possessed!
A sign with a dagger on it in a bookstore: "Shoplifters will be merrily hacked to
pieces!"
Sign posted at an Artist Cooperative shop: "WARNING! Unattended children may be
eaten by starving artists!"
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Jesus is coming. Look Busy!
I'm doing my part to piss of the religious right.
Did you hear, Easter is canceled this year?
They found the body.
I'm Pro-choice and I shoot back.
93: Its not just a good idea, its the law.
Hail to the Sun god!
He's a real fun god!
Ra, Ra, Ra!
Why did the Zen Buddhist get reincarnated as a Pizza Supreme?
He wanted to be one with everything.
It takes a Viking to raze a village.
KALI: A necessary evil
I can't wait for the rapture!
Then we'll have the world to ourselves again.
Ever wonder why god-centered religions make a woman responsible for messing up the
world?
Resurection? Been there, done that.
Can you say "Isis and Osiris"?
Christianity has Pagan DNA!
Have you confused a Christian today?
The only problem with Baptists is...
They don't hold them under long enough!
A truly wise person never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry,
he'll be a mile way and barefoot.
Going to church doesn't make you a holy person any more than going to a garage makes
you a mechanic.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
Eat well.
Stay fit.
Die anyway.
Instructions for a blonde Viking:
"It's rape, pillage, and then burn.
Goddess grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to
change the things I can, and the weaponry to make the difference.
Therapy is expensive.
Popping bubble-wrap is cheap.
You choose.
Beware of the Vampire Jesus! He gave his blood for you and wants it all back now.
Being a model means wearing clothes and not eating. I'd rather eat and not wear
clothes.
Not in the mood for sex?
Point and laugh, it'll go away.
Love is the Law.
Lust is a subordinate clause.
It ain't bestiality if the sheep loves you!
If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
Artificial Intelligence
is no match for
Natural Stupidity.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't
completely understood the situation.
Well, at least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.
Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some don't have film.
How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
Three, if you slice them very thinly.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Biblical Quote:
A bribe works like magic. Whoever uses it will prosper!
-- The Living Bible, Proverbs 17:8
"Do you really believe that the sciences would ever have originated and grown if
the way had not been prepared by magicians, alchemists, astrologers, and witches whose
promises and pretensions first had to create a thirst, a hunger, a taste for hidden and
forbidden?" -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
Biblical Quote:
"... we like sheep" -- Isaiah 53:6
Biblical Quote:
Also he made a molten sea of ten cubits from brim to brim, round in compass, and five
cubits the height thereof; and a line of thirty cubits did compass it round about. -- Kings 7:23
So, according to the Bible, the value of pi is exactly 3.0!
"White magic is poetry; black magic is anything that actually works." -- Victor Anderson
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we
observe daylight savings time.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
Have you ever noticed that people who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them?
If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and
He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a
person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
The other day a Glaxo rep told me of a drug that her company has under development.
This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider
buying stock in the company. The drug is called Gingko Viagra, and its function is to help
you remember what the fuck you are doing.
A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone
seen Brown paper Jake?", he asks.
"What's he look like?", asks one shoddy looking cowboy.
"Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper
waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper
jacket."
"So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy.
"Rustlin'..."
Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
The Bible was written by the same people who said the earth was flat.
I wish for a world of peace, harmony & nakedness.
"The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts only as are injurious to
others. But it does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods, or no God.
It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg." -- Thomas Jefferson
What do you get when you cross an agnostic with a Jehovah's Witness?
Someone who knocks on your door, and when you open it, shrugs.
A man said to the universe, "Sir, I exist."
"However," replied the universe, "that fact has not created in me a sense
of obligation." -- Stephen Crane
A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep him from the
commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are worth committing. -- Samuel Butler
Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other "sins" are
invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not a sin, just stupid.) -- Lazarus Long
There is no conclusive evidence of life after death. But there is no evidence of any
sort against it. Soon enough you will know. So why fret about it? -- Lazarus Long
When the need arises - and it does - you must be able to shoot your own dog. Don't farm
it out - that doesn't make it nicer, it makes it worse. -- Lazarus Long
When in a gunfight, get a shot off fast! This upsets him long enough to let you make
your second shot perfect. -- Lazarus Long
Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have legislated out of nothing,
"blasphemy" is the most amazing - with "obscenity" and "indecent
exposure" fighting it out for second and third place. -- Lazarus Long
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious
when people laugh. -- George Bernard Shaw
Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. Invoking his
self-interest gives you more leverage. -- Lazarus Long
Anyone can claim they invented the Internet. Wanna impress me? Show me the
person who invented the vibrator.
A limerick of classic proportion
Should have meter and rhyme and a portion
Of humor quite lewd
And a frightfully crude
Impossible sexual contortion.
But what do the gods use for condoms?
Clap one hand if you love Buddha!
Didja ever notice that "T.S. Eliot" is an anagram for "toilets"?
Masturbation: The art of coming unscrewed.
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh "BOB" D'lyeh* Wgah'nagl Dhobbz f'htagn.
Serenity through viciousness.
The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
Indian Giver be the name of the Lord.
"Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with
bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't
you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?"
I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you
too."
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think
of two of your best friends. Are they OK? Then it must be you.
... and the number 1 thing you don't want to hear your gynecologist say during an
examination is:
1> "Assist me to erect the ancient temple."
Light a fire for a man and he'll be warm for a day. But light a man on fire and he'll
stay warm the rest of his life.
The way to a man's heart is through his sternum.
Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything. -- Joseph Stalin
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a
boat and drink beer all day.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. Never miss a
good chance to shut up.
Life is a never-ending series of trials. The best we can do is wear a tie and hope the
judge shows leniency. -- Nick Leggatt
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south,
so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed
that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through
as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a
swimming pool?
What's the difference between a Witch and a jehovah's witness?
Three Watchtowers
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have
some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a
beer. -- Frank Zappa
To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support group.
Beer - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine.
Religion is for those that do not want to go to hell. Spirituality is for those
that have lived through it.
What do you get when your cross a Klansman with a Unitarian?
A white-robed redneck who will burn a question mark on your lawn.
I'm against the death penalty.
Look what happened to Jesus!
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
What do you call an Scotsman with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp. |
MY WITCH SHOP
