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Pagan Short Jokes
Minds are like parachutes; they only function when open!
What's the best thing about Pagan friends? They worship the ground you walk on...
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa!
"He is YOUR god, They are YOUR rules, YOU burn in Hell!"
What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid?
Someone who worships the tree that is not there.
What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid mathematician?
Someone who worships the square roots of the tree that is not there.
What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid veternarian?
Someone who worships the bark of the tree that is not there.
What do ya' call 13 Witches in a hot tub?
Self-Cleaning Coven
Get a taste for religion, Lick a Witch!
The Goddess is alive and she ate my homework.
Please hold. All muses are busy right now, but your inspiration is important to us...
How many Gardnerians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Can't say. It's oathbound
How many Alexandrians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Same number as Gardnerians.
Q: What kind of furniture does a Goddess worshipper prefer?
A: Wicker
Q: Why did the Wiccan novitiate give up pork?
A: She thought the Rede said, "Chew what you will, but ham?--none."
A high priest tells his coven member, "Hey, I heard a new fundie joke today."
The member replies, "Man, you're always slamming fundies. Why don't you tell us a
Martian joke instead?" "OK, Two Martians are carrying their Bibles to church.
The first Martian says, 'At the revival last week, I led 15 new souls to accept Jesus
Christ as their personal saviour' and the other Martian says--" "Never
mind," says the member.
What's the difference between New Age and Pagan?
About $500.00 a weekend.
The definition of "SAINT": "A dead liberal who is worshipped by living
conservatives."
The bumper sticker 'Dyslexics of the world Untie" -- it works
How many Dianacs does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but that bulb has really got to want to change.
Please don't squeeze the shaman!
When God Created Men She must have been Drunk and Horny!
How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?
None -- if a candle was good enough for Gramma it's good enough for me!
Q: What is a witch's favorite snack?
A: PAN pizza
Q: What's a witch's favorite subject in school?
A: SPELLing.
WHY M&M'S ARE WICCAN:
* MM = Merry Meet*
Round shape for wheel of the year, cycle of seasons*
Skins are different colors, but the inside is the same chocolate, because we are all
related.*
Associations with the colors: Red = South, Green = West, Dark Brown = North, Yellow =
East, Orange = For the Solar God, Light Brown = For the Earth Mother (Copper Woman)
* Rotate the M & M: M = 13th letter of alphabet, and there are 13 witches in a coven
3 = Triple Goddess, three phases of moon W = Witchcraft, Wiccan E = Enlightenment,
Enchantment of chocolate*
"Melt in your mouth, not in your hand"--God/dess's love must be experienced
directly to appreciate. Also, God/dess will take care of you.*
Sweetness to remind us of how sweet the love of the God and Goddess is!
If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
Sign in a Wiccan Bookstore: "No Shoplifting! Offenders will be Possessed! Second-time
Offenders will be Re-Possessed!"
What is one thing you never have to worry about? Your airplane being hijacked by a group
of radical Unitarians.
A sign with a daggar on it in a bookstore: "Shoplifters will be merrily hacked to
pieces!"
How do you scare a UU (Unitarian Universalist) our of your neighborhood?
Answer: Burn a Question Mark on their lawn
Q: How many Druids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in stone circles.
Q: How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Thirteen; one to hold the bulb, and twelve to drink enough to make the room spin.
Q: How many ceremonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; he stands still with the bulb, and the universe revolves around him.
How many Thelemites does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Crowley never wrote a book about it.
What do Thelemites do for foreplay?
The LBRP.
How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on what you want to change it into.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.
" I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures "
"I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to"
"Jesus is coming. Look Busy!"
"God Please save me from your followers"
"I have the body of a god: Buddha"
"Jesus saves! By using double coupons & shopping wisely"
- A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller. "You are the father of 2 children,"
the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!,"
says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.
WASP...We Are Sexy Pagans
How many light bulbs does it take to change a gardnerian?
None, they can do it all by themselves, thank you very much!!
Witches do it in the moonlight
Practice safe hex
We're gardnerians...off with your clothes!
I'm doin my part to piss of the religious right.....r u??
Ankh if you love Isis!!
Did you hear, Easter is canceled this year........yeah, they found the body.
A child's version of Easter: easter is when they crucified jesus, and put him in a cave.
Three days later he rose again on easter sunday. When he came out of the cave, he got
scared by his shadow, went back in, and they had 3 more months of winter!
"Mine eyes of seen the glory of the commin of the Lord
he was ridin down the freeway in a red and yellow Ford
with one hand on the throttle
and the other on a bottle
of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer...
" What do pagans put their trash in? ans: a wiccar basket
Q: How many Dianic women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's W-I-M-M-I-N, and that's not funny!
How do you get a nun pregant?
Dress her up as an altar boy.
Q: What do you call a dating club for unattached Wiccans?
A: Craft singles!
Did you hear that Kraft was so offended by that last joke that they moved their macaroni
plants to Israel? Yeah, now they're called Cheeses of Nazareth!
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it, one not to change it.
How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bul b?
None. The universe changes the light bulb & the Zen Master gets the fuck out of the
way!
Another Catholic School joke: Sex is evil. Evil is sin. Sin is forgiven. So, sex is in.
The Mighty God Thor was riding across the skies on his fiery steed Pegasus. He raised his
hammer and bellowed, "I'M THOR! I'M THOR!" Pegasus looked up at him and
muttered, "You thoulda wore your thaddle, thilly."
Knock, knock! Who's there? Wicca! Wicca who? Wicca dance in the moonlight together, yes?
That was Zen; this is Tao.
Jesus saves...but Gretsky catches the rebound! He shoots! HE SCOOORES!
Hail to the Sun god! He's a real fun god! Ra, Ra, Ra!
Why did the Zen Buddhist get reincarnated as a Pizza Supreme?
He wanted to be one with everything
Pagan
How many Dianic Wiccans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, and it's NOT FUNNY!!!
How many Dianics does it take to change a light bulb?
(any large number here) -- One to change the light bulb, one to prepare the environmental
impact statement, and the rest to do a self-criticism afterwards...
How many years does it take a Dianic Wiccan to change a lightbulb?
You can change it whenever you are empowered to do so.
How many years does it take a Dianic Wiccan to change a lightbulb?
Not sure.....we'll call Z. Bhudapest and get back to you!
How many Druids does it take to change a lightbulb?
501. One to change the bulb and 500 to align the new stone.
How many Druids does it take to change a lightbulb?
They don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in Stone Circles.
How many Druids does it take to change a lightbulb?
one to hold the bulb and 12 to drink enough to make the room spin.
How many years does it take a Druid to change a lightbulb?
21, unless you're Irish.
How many Isians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to handle publicity, and one to write the
newsletter.
How many Family traditionalists does it take to change a light bulb?
Candle light was good enough for our ancestors, it's good enough for us!
How many Fam-Trads does it take to change a light bulb?
Ask your OWN grandmother!
How many Brit.Trad Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
13. One to change the bulb, and 12 to mourn the passing of the old bulb.
How many Gardnerian witches does it take to change a light bulb?
(in a low ominous tone) "Why do you want to know...initiate?"
How many Gardnerian witches does it take to change a light bulb?
It's a third degree secret.
How many years does it take a Gardnerian witch to change a light bulb?
A year and A day in an Outer Grove, a year and a day at first level, a year and a day at
second level, but only third levels change light bulbs.
How many Alexandrian witches does it take to change a light bulb?
"Lets go see how the Gardnerians do it!"
How many years does it take an Alexandrian witch to change a light bulb?
That's the Maiden's Job. Maiden - Make it so.
How many Starhawk witches does it take to change a light bulb?
(plaintively) "There are starving villages in Africa that don't even HAVE light
bulbs..."
How many years does it take a Starhawk witch to change a light bulb?
Well, it depends how hard you study, but you can do it now if you are solitary.
How many solitary witches does it take to change a light bulb?
(if they actually ask 'how many?', drum your fingers and stare at them as you wait for
them to grasp the obvious)
How many years does it take for a solitary witch to change a light bulb?
How long does it take to get one out of the closet?
How many years does it take a Kitchen Witch to change a light bulb?
Already changed.
How many years does it take a White Light Wiccan to change a light bulb?
Look deep within and find your true essence. That will tell you how long it will take.
How many Frost "School of Wicca" witches does it take to change a light bulb?
"Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only $195 we'll send you our complete
"Witches Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course" with real knowledge that you
can apply this to ANY light bulb ANYwhere! Listen to the testimony of a young couple from
Wisconsin who..."
How many Erisians does it take to change a light bulb?
"How many have we got?"
How many Discordians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Five Tons.
How many Discordians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
a blue fish Tuesday.
How many Discordians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2-One to hold a ladder and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored east german
machine tools.
(this one also works with any variation on How many surrealists..)
How many Wiccans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Four. One for each direction.
How many members of IOT does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Sorry, that ritual is copyrighted.
How many Proteans does it take to change a light bulb?
I can't tell you--we never change a light bulb the same way twice! :}
How many Proteans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
How many will fit?
How many Buckland witches does it take to change a light bulb?
"Refer to my second book, "Practical Light Bulb Changing" by Raymond
Buckland..."
How many Pagans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that lightbulbs never burned out
before those damned Christians came along.
How many Thelemites does it take....
None, Every One of them is a Star.
How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
What do you want it changed into?
How many witches does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they do it in great rites.
How many Golden Dawners does it take to change a light bulb?
One to hold the ladder, one to hold the bulb, three to decipher the Light Bulb Ritual from
the Secret Chiefs, one to publish it, and one to sue all the others.
How many NRDers does it take to change a lightbulb?
14. One to do it, one to write poetry about it, and 12 to hold a Council and decide
whether or not the poem's authentic.
Magickal
How many Sex magicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw on the altar!
How many Sex magicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only two, but they have to be very small!
How many tantrics does it take to change a light bulb?
2 as long as the lamp is by the bed...
How many Ceremonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They hold it up, and the world revolves around them.
How many Kabbalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
261.
Astrology
How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a hell of a lot of light bulbs.
How many Taurus does it take to change a light bulb?
What, me move?
How many Gemini does it take to change a light bulb?
2
How many Cancer does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to bring his mother.
How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.
How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and two engineers to
check the work.
How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.
How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They LIKE the dark.
How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.
How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
The light's fine as it is.
How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?
How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb?
How many astrologers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Don't ask me now, Mercury's retrograde!"
General
How many New Agers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change it and four to share the experience!
How many New-agers does it take to change a light bulb?
(in a flaky voice) We don't use light bulbs, we just think happy thoughts at our quartz
crystals and they glow.
How many years does it take for a New-ager to change a light bulb?
Well, it takes many many years, unless you pay $650 US non-refundable, Visa or MC
accepted. Then you can do it after the weekend intensive training seminar.
How many Boulderites (as in Boulder, CO, mecca of new agers) does it take to change a
lightbulb?
None. They just join self-help groups to learn to live with darkness in their lives.
How many Odinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
21, one to hold the light bulb, 20 to drink till the world spins. |
MY WITCH SHOP
