In the 1980's it was fashionable to be interested in the New Age. This is now a
dreadful faux pas within the alternative scene, and in order to be accepted in the 1990's
metaphysical social set, one must have an interest in Witchcraft or Paganism. Of course,
you don't have to actually belong to a coven in order to be thought of as a Witch, you can
bluff your way into being accepted as a fully fledged Witch simply by knowing a few terms
and dressing accordingly. This brings us to...
Rule # 1: Image is Everything. After all, what's the good of being a Witch if
nobody knows you are one? You must therefore wear black at all times. If possible, stay
out of the sun until you become really pale, as this makes the effect even better. For
women (and adventurous males) dark eyeliner and black nail polish can enhance this look.
Also wear crystals and cheap occult paraphernalia at all times, and make sure that these
are as gaudy and bizarre as possible, as this can only help your image. Wearing a pentacle
around your neck is an absolutely necessary accessory - the bigger the better! Capes and
cloaks are optional around town - it depends on how much of a visual impact you want to
make, but either of these are also crucial apparel at any ritual or gathering that you may
attend.
Rule # 2: Name Dropping is Good. Every serious student of The Craft (and I'm
talking here about the term for Witchcraft, not macrame) knows the name Gerald Gardner.
This man revitalised Witchcraft in the mid 1900's with his book about the true history of
The Old Religion (some have called this book pure fiction, but only those picky few who
like books to be based on facts). Real Witches however, never let historical accuracy get
in the way of their spiritual path, so in conversations with other witches, quote his name
as often as possible (in tones of awe) and you will always be rewarded with smiles of
acceptance.
Rule # 3: Past Life Name Dropping is Even Better. Tell everyone about the past
life memories that have been surfacing since you began studying the Black Arts. It is
especially useful to remember a past lifetime as a Witch who was killed during the
Inquisition, or at least recall a lifetime as a famous occultist. My past lives have
included Aleister Crowley, Cagliostro, Mandrake the Magician, and most of the cast of
"Bewitched".
Rule # 4: Behave Strangely. Never forget why it was that you wanted to become a
Witch - yes, so that you have an excuse for strange behaviour. Previously labelled
eccentric behaviour patterns can now be accepted by others if they have a reason to
explain it, even if that reason for howling at full moons while naked is simply,
"He/she is a Witch, that's normal for them evidently." So, don't let your
friends down, behave strangely, you can get away with it now.
Rule # 5: Watch Occult Movies. Make sure that you watch the movie
"Warlock" lots of times to perfect those soft landings after over-indulging with
the flying ointments (read as mead and weed).
Rule # 6: Ready Yourself for Sex, Money and Power. Wasn't this the other reason
you were drawn to Witchcraft? In the past, adepts of the occult were known to possess
charismatic, lusty and powerful personas - when people find out that you are a Witch, they
may automatically assume (and therefore empower you) with these same qualities. This may
sound pretty good, but unfortunately in today's world, another group of people have become
even more established within the realms of kinky sex sessions and unlimited power - yes,
the politicians! Beware of this elitist group of power-brokers... they don't want any
competition to their manipulative monopoly over the gullible public - hence the laws
against Witchcraft and divination that have remained unchanged for centuries. So, if
calling yourself a High Priest doesn't lead you to unlimited sex, money and power - or if
it does, but you then find yourself as the target of political and legal harassment - you
may have to put aside your cloak and broomstick and pick up a pin-stripe suit and a
back-bench in Parliament. If you can't beat them, try bribery, then if that doesn't
work... join them!
Rule # 7: Atmosphere is Essential. Your home must reflect your Witchy nature.
Incense must burn continuously. It's important that visitors see clouds of incense smoke
billowing from a spluttering censer in the corner of your dim, dank and dusty home, so
dismantle the smoke detectors and start collecting strange little bottles of exotic
looking ingredients (use your imagination and label them with names like powdered bat's
eyes, or dried dragon's gonads). And if you don't like housework, you can explain that the
layer of dust that covers your floors and furniture helps to neutralise the highly charged
psychic energy that results from your magical spells, thereby protecting your home and
possessions from electromagnetic disintegration.
Rule # 8: Be Patronising to Christians. In social discussions don't forget to
make plenty of derogatory remarks about fundamentalist Christians, but remember to save
your most biting comments for other Witches that you don't get along with.
Rule # 9: Brag About Your Psychic Powers. Any self-respecting Witch will tell
you that after their initiation to Witchcraft, their psychic powers awakened and their
tarot cards (which they always carry with them) are now much easier to read (they now get
something right once in a while). They will also tell you that they can now sense energy
fields (in other words, they don't bump into things as often as they used to). Follow this
example and brag about the rapid development of your psychic abilities since your
initiation. If asked about your initiation ceremony, simply state that you were sworn to
secrecy about it, then quickly change the subject by mentioning your newly awakened
ability to detect Ley-lines, but try to remember that a Ley-line is not a queue for the
after-ritual orgy!
Now you know how to pass yourself off as a real Witch, so place that broomstick in a
conspicuous corner (one that is not clouded by too much incense smoke); pull on those
black clothes; give everyone that you meet a sinister look - and your social status will
improve overnight. If you do all of this successfully, you may even find yourself with
enough adoring acolytes so that you can start your own coven! Good luck and Blessed Be!
MY WITCH SHOP
