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Be An Expert On The New Age in Five Minutes
Your new girlfriend has just invited you to the spiritual development group that she
attends every week. You agree, but you feel a growing sense of panic when you realise that
you are totally ignorant of spiritual concepts. What will these people be like? How will
you keep up your SNAG act in front of real Sensitive New Age Guys?
Fear not! All you need to know about the New Age is in the following paragraphs. By
remembering a few key phrases, you will be accepted into any spiritual group as a fellow
traveller along Truth's highway.
Rule number one for the novice New Ager is to make sure that a crystal of some sort is
visible on you at all times. You will notice that all of the women will be wearing a
necklace of either amethyst or rose quartz, but for a man, a large chunk of natural, clear
quartz that is strapped to a cord around your neck is far more suitable. If you feel
uncomfortable wearing your crystal in this way, then carrying it in your hand is also
quite acceptable, as long as you remember to look at it appreciatively every now and then,
making sure that others see it too of course.
When people notice your crystal they will invariably ask, "What is your crystal
programmed for?" In reply, avoid any macho response that suggests that you are using
it to attract more sex, money, or power, as this will blow your cover immediately,
instead, use the vague, but common phrase, "I have programmed it to help me to
enhance my spiritual growth." This reply will satisfy the enquirer without
encouraging questions of a more specific nature.
To acquire a new name that reflects your spiritual goals is also quite common among New
Agers, therefore don't be surprised if you are introduced to people with strange names
such as Shekinah, Silver Wolf, or Starlight. To find your own spiritual name, you can use
either of two methods. You could choose a word at random from any New Age magazine, or you
could ask your spirit guide for a suggestion.
To have a spirit guide is as necessary for the New Ager as having a permanent smile on
your face. If you are asked who your spirit guide is, then it is safest to opt for a Red
Indian guide - everyone else does! Make sure that you give your spirit guide an impressive
name though. You won't gain much respect from your peers within the spiritual development
circles if your guide is called Joe, so give him a name such as Snow Buffalo, Tall Eagle,
or Smiling Rainbow Hearted Mountain Bear.
If you want to be a bit different, or if someone else has already chosen the name that
you made up for your guide, then go a step further and say that instead of a spirit guide
you have a guardian angel. For extra points, use the name of one of the Archangels and the
eyes of the people in the group will light up with awe and admiration. Don't go too far
though, as an inferred conversation with God or the late J.C. will mean that you will soon
find yourself standing alone, looking with feigned interest at the dozen or so statues of
unicorns and Red Indians that the host has proudly displayed on the mantelpiece.
As you settle in for the evening's lesson and psychic exercises (aerobics for the
soul), you will invariably be asked to participate in an experiment on past life recall.
Here is another ideal opportunity to impress your girlfriend and the rest of the group.
Once again though, use moderation in your claims and don't invent details of a life as
Tutankhamen or Henry the Eighth, as the group leader has probably already claimed both of
these. And if he hasn't, then he'll probably be upset that he has forgotten to include
them in his lineage of previous incarnations. It is much safer to opt for
"memories" of an existence as an advisor, astrologer, or valet to a monarch or
famous person, as historical records will not necessarily disprove the names and events of
this lifetime that you suddenly recall.
If you have survived the evening so far, your last test will be the supper. Under no
circumstances should you eat anything other than vegetarian food (i.e. fruits, nuts,
vegetables, or any cooked combination of these that invariably tastes like warm, wet
cardboard), or your plans for acceptance will be sunk quicker than Atlantis was.
As you depart, make sure that you hug everyone at least once, and be sure to offer deep
and meaningful words of inspiration - such as "keep smiling" - to every person
at least twice. If you have come up with the right sort of platitudes for everyone and if
everything else has gone well, you will probably hear your girlfriend telling her friends
that you are indeed her soulmate, and you will already be looking forward to the next
gathering of these salubrious spirituality seekers.
Good luck - or as the New Agers say - May the Great Spirit be with you! |
MY WITCH SHOP
