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Dear Santa
I like to think of these letter as what would happen if Santa asked Dr. Laura to help
answer the mail.
-- Turok
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND,
BiLLy
Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send
you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the
space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the
world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want
a fire truck this year!
Love,
Joey
Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more
fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get
back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging
her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please
see what you can do.
Love,
Michelle
Michelle,
It blows my fucking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth
of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the
game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a
tuba.
Love,
Francis
Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer
outside the backdoor.
Love,
Susan
Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a
kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing
cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table.
Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Jessica,
Are you that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE, PLEASE could I have
one?
Love,
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap won't work up here.
You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment
complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do,
through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams!
Santa |
MY WITCH SHOP
