| 'Let's quiet down, children. Now that we've finally gotten rid of that terrible
Supreme Court decision, I can again lead you in prayer. 'So children, let's get ready
for our morning prayer. Did everyone remember to bring their chicken?
'Mary, where is your chicken? That's all right, Mary. Don't cry. As I told you
yesterday, if you can't afford a chicken, the school is required to provide one. I've got
plenty of extra chickens up here by the prayer mats, meditation crystals and peyote buds.
Did anyone else forget to bring their chicken?
'As you know from your schedule, children, today I will lead you in a Santeria prayer.
It's a recognized, ancient religion. Now I know some of you have complained that many of
these prayers don't represent your beliefs. But remember, they do represent the sincere
beliefs of many Americans. I promise you that eventually we will lead the class in a
prayer representing your own religion.
'But you'll have to be patient. There are hundreds of Christian denominations with all
sorts of beliefs in the United States. And there are hundreds more non-Christian religions
recognized in America. If your religion isn't on our list, just let us know and we'll make
sure it's added. We don't want to leave anyone out. That's not the American way.
'Be thankful'
'Everyone knows that you have never been prevented from praying in school, but for
years you were denied having teachers and principals lead you in prayer. You should be
thankful.
'Johnnie, I don't know what you're doing to that chicken, but stop it. You need to
straighten up and be serious. This is important. If it were not important, then why did
224 Texas counties and 51 Texas cities go to the trouble to pass resolutions supporting
the reinstatement of state-sponsored prayer in our public schools? I'll tell you why,
because lots and lots of people said the loss of state-sponsored prayers led to drug use,
crime, violence, teenage pregnancy, dropouts, family disintegration, child-abuse,
pornography, racism, poor academic achievement, overcrowded prisons and lots of other bad
things.
'Before we start, remember that tomorrow we will have a traditional Wicca prayer and
we'll try to cast a spell on the press. Remember to bring a lock of your mother's hair.
'Johnnie, keep that chicken quiet. What is it, Lucy? If you want me to tell you when I
will lead you in a prayer of your religion, you'll have to tell me what it is. You can't
look at someone and tell their personal beliefs. Unitarian? What coming up...
'Let's see, coming up we have Christian Science, Amish, Tibetan Buddhism, Seventh-Day
Adventist, Comanche, Zoroastrianism, Druze, Calvinist Baptist, Unification, Hassidism and
Deliverance Pentacostal. That one should be interesting. I think that's when you bring a
rattlesnake and a cup of poison.
'I don't see it coming up right away, Lucy. Let's see, we have the Reformed Druids of
North America, American Vegan, Shanti Yoga, Evangelical Presbyterian, Baha'i World Faith,
Gnostic Orthodox, House of Yahweh, Agasha Temple of Wisdom, Church of Metaphysical
Christianity, Jain Meditation, Catholic Charismatic, People of Destiny, Branch Davidian,
Coptic Fellowship, Church of Satan, ...
'I don't know, Lucy. It doesn't look like Unitarian is coming up any time soon. But if
we don't lead you in a prayer of your own church or religion this year, the government
requires that we lead you in a prayer of your religion at least once before you graduate.
This way, it's fair for everyone.
'OK, kids, on the count of three, yank the heads off your chickens and I'll start
today's prayer.
by Roland Nethaway, Waco (Texas) Tribune-Herald
[reprinted without permission] |